Automatic..

Amazing how many actions are automatic, every morning I open my eyes, yawn curl around myself. Still the throes of sleep I reach to my bedside table and grab my blood glucose meter, pushing down the button on my accu check compact, I listen to the sound of the drum turning and spitting out a strip, while randomly and swiftly pressing my finger against the lancing device. I listen to the stapler like clicks, and feel the small prick. Pushing the blood onto the strip I don't think, my mind still so full of sleep I probably could go straight back to sleep and forget I ever tested. Waiting for the beep I pry my eyelids open and stare at the number, knowing fully it sets the tone for my day, 104, 158, 192, 92, 83, 120, 144.. all those numbers are music to my eyes, anything between about 70-230.. even a little high, is ok for my day start. Or a tiny bit low. Somedays I wake up, and am 32, shaking like crazy and feeling so tired I wonder why I even tested. Patterned into testing I rarely question the action, if just is. That's life, that's just what I have to do. But recently other things have become automatic, like taking drugs every few hours.. I fight constantly to keep myself from automating certain processes because if for one second I feel that this is normal, I fear something in me will snap and die a painful death.

So this morning, laying in bed post test (btw my BG upon waking was 330.. not so great) I pull my blue animas ping insulin pump out from under the covers and dial in the appropriate units for bolus. Staring at the ceiling I listen to A come into the room, me in the classic "covers over the head, leave me alone I'm dying it's so early" pose. Hanging the 2000ML bag of TPN, he reached beneath the covers, pulling them aside so he can see my chest, wiping one lumen, opening the little clip and flushing one with saline, then heparin.. then the next, until he gets to the one in use and the small end is screwed in. Hooked up for the day I let myself go back to sleep. Less than five minutes later I sat up and started to cry, because that was so automatic.. so normal. I wanted to scream, to scream and get upset and have someone come quick to hear me yell and throw a fit because I didn't want this! NO! Go back! STOP! This isn't right, he shouldn't have to do this, he shouldn't have done it so smoothly, I shouldn't be so calm. I curled up, and realized how I am actively fighting my new normal. I don't want a new normal, I want my old normal back. I don't want to be on oxygen, I don't want my husband hooking me up to an IV pump.. I hate this more every second. I truely believe somethings should never become normal, even if that would make it easier. I don't want to consider this normal.. I want it to be significant.