Depression

Don't touch me right now.. I don't want to be touched by anyone, or talked to or hugged. I don't want anyone anywhere near me. I am upset. And not even for the reasons one would think, but I can be upset. I'm so upset I'm shaking and crying and sobbing, so upset I talked to chad tell 4am, and cried, and talked.. chad wasn't much help but at least he listened. I had to cancel my ampho appointment due to stress, I was to upset to go my body is reacting violently to standing or moving. I just want to be alone, with my headache, curled up in my bed to cry.. and worse just sit and stare at the wall. Andrew tried to hold me but I couldn't stand it. My body doesn't want any food, or water, or meds or to be touched or talked to. I just want to be alone.. just leave me here to disappear please.

The rumors of my death where greatly exagerated ;D

So I'm the worlds worst blogger, I really am. I've spent the last few months going from depressed, to content, to joyful, and back around. My healths fluctuated, as usual and I started to feel that injecting medication into my spinal column and brain is normal. It even became mundane, like doing the laundry if your laundry could end your life, or cripple you permanently. (I have friends who do believe their laundry has such capabilities.) In between that, being a mother, and dealing with the weather I've been skating through life, falling through the ice, coughing up water and crawling out with a leopard seal chasing my ass like I'm a trout. Today I had my pulse ox get down well below normal, and it made the rest of the day crappy. Today was also L and Ry's first day of Pre-k and Preschool. They both enjoyed it immensely, and secretly? 4 hours alone, knowing I could have the house to myself, was so amazing. I didn't know what to do with myself, with both WoW on server maintnance, and my two main munchkins at 'school'. So I ended up watching Tv and playing fetch with the pupperitos, indoor fetch is not the safest sport ever but it just makes it more fun. Christmas was great, I got everything I wanted and then some. Kids got everything they wanted, and we had my Mother-in-law and Brother-in-law in town, both of them really made this first Christmas with valley fever, easier.

Health: My healths not getting much better, and recently I've started experiencing very severe side effects from my antifungal. After being moved onto voriconazole, for my pulmonary nodules and pneumonia my lungs began to clear. Sadly the amphotericin B we're injecting into my spine is not having the same effect, and we may need to soon up the frequency of infusions. This puts my kidneys at great risk of damage, and the last infusion left me unable to grip objects for hours, and most likely led to two serious apnea episodes. My hands where so shakey, and the harder I tried to hold onto an object the harder it got. As if gravity increased ten fold on smaller objects, and when I held a mouse the pointer shook. Somedays this scares the shit out of me. I've lost some weight, and will need to really make an effort to gain. Diabetes control is so hard on TPN and steroids, that my recent A1C is useless because of the amount of swinging I did.

I promise to post tomorrow, I have more to talk about. I'm going to talk about my World of Warcraft Toon Meerka, and I'm also going to talk about why I play her. You might be shocked behind my reasons, for now I'm entering this post and going to cuddle up.


I leave you with this- Please read them to yourself, then listen to the song. Think about all those things in your life, and how amazing and unique love is.

PONDER: IF LOVE IS THE ANSWER, WHAT IS THE QUESTION?

LOVE- Sugarland

Is it the face of a child
Is it the thrill of danger
Is it the kindness we see in the eyes of a stranger
Is it more than faith
Is it more than hope
Is it waiting for us at the end of our rope

I say, it's love
I say, it's love

Is it the one you call home
Is it the Holy Land
Is it standing right here holding your hand
Is it just like the movies
Is it rice and white lace
Is it the feeling I get when I wake to your face

I say it's love
I say it's love

Is it the first summer storm
Is it the colors of fall
Is it having so little
And yet having it all
Is it one in a million
Is it a chance to belong
Is it standing right here singing this song

I say it's love
I say it's love
I say it's love
I say it's love


Is it a veil or a cross
Is it the poet's gift
Is it the face that has launched over thousands of ships

is it making you laugh
is it letting you cry
Is it where we believe that we go when we die
Is it how you were made
Is it your mother's ghost
Is it the wish that I'm wishing for you life, for you life, for your life the most


The parts I bolded, or italicized, are imporant and will be talked about tomorrow.

Twitter

I'm feeling like utter garbage. I need to go see my doctor, at the very least. Ketones, low blood pressure, heads all swimmy and I'm having a hard time catching my breath. I'm not going to update my blog, because I can't do that from my telephone. Going to add a twitter thing.. so anything about me will just tweet. Kids are still feeling miserable as well, but I need to avoid ketoacidosis and I'm failing at doing that right now.

"I'd not trade places with her tonight'

This was said by a fellow harlot tonight, and I guess I felt I need to elaborate. I adore my life, it's amazing. I have the best children, the most amazing husband, siblings, friends. I experience love in such vast quantities every day that my heart is open to any and all forms, I would not trade lives with ANYONE ever. Because guess what, my monitors, my Iv pump, my animas (insulin pump), the twice a day bp checks, the oxygen. All of that is so smallcompared to my family, and my memories of them. Even my childhood, riddled with screaming, fighting, abuse, I still consider a valuable part of my make up. I identify myself with the memories and love I've experienced, with the days I wake up and smile at my children. The feeling of my hands in my horses hair, the warmth of my SO as he lays behind me. Jens hand on my back, her smile. The sound of L, Ry and Mir laughing the look on their faces, no matter what. The funny things they say.

All of that, makes everything else.. so.. so insubstantial. I wrote on the 4th of july, after watching fireworks with my family, on the grass, holding my son "This is amazing, I'm so happy I am alive" 4 days later I would pass out, fall down the stairs and break 5 ribs, concusion.. 7 days after that they'd remove the lower lobe of my right lung. Then my pericardium. When I wrote that on my facebook, I didn't know all of that was soon to enter into my life. I spent days on a ventilator, woke up weak and in pain. Again. Yet you know what I keep in my mind about july, "This is amazing, I'm so happy I am alive." Even after all of that, I was still happy to be alive.

Someone said on hummus today that they'd not trade places with a certain unpleasant mommy blogger (see previous post) /tonight/ even if they where the slitheriest snake in the forest. After thinking on that I decided, I don't care who she is, or what she's going through, or what I'm going through at the time. I'd never trade places with her, because this is my life. I love it. I don't want any other existence that changes anything. I have so much, the bad things, the pain. All of that doesn't matter. I like my life, I'm sorry for others pain but even in my darkest of hour. You can't have it. I don't want you to.

(Also)- We're all sick, I'm doing alright so far. My kidney function has decreased, and I've been pretty sick with some sorta respiratory, throat, nausea mix. My kids have it too, we're just trudging through. My neck hurts due to a large bruise, I'm dizzy and a tad out of touch. Blood glucose is high, I currently have large ketones in my blood as well. L had ketones and has been running a high glucose due to virus (I'm guessing here). The last chest x-ray looked good, I'm slowly improving with the cocci. Fewer symptoms of the cocci recently as well, the meds still making me sick, and tpn has also started making me ill. Just taking a breath, and keeping myself going.

"If you're going through hell, keep going"

Proud hummus harlot! Hollah!

Pyro wordless monday.

Automatic..

Amazing how many actions are automatic, every morning I open my eyes, yawn curl around myself. Still the throes of sleep I reach to my bedside table and grab my blood glucose meter, pushing down the button on my accu check compact, I listen to the sound of the drum turning and spitting out a strip, while randomly and swiftly pressing my finger against the lancing device. I listen to the stapler like clicks, and feel the small prick. Pushing the blood onto the strip I don't think, my mind still so full of sleep I probably could go straight back to sleep and forget I ever tested. Waiting for the beep I pry my eyelids open and stare at the number, knowing fully it sets the tone for my day, 104, 158, 192, 92, 83, 120, 144.. all those numbers are music to my eyes, anything between about 70-230.. even a little high, is ok for my day start. Or a tiny bit low. Somedays I wake up, and am 32, shaking like crazy and feeling so tired I wonder why I even tested. Patterned into testing I rarely question the action, if just is. That's life, that's just what I have to do. But recently other things have become automatic, like taking drugs every few hours.. I fight constantly to keep myself from automating certain processes because if for one second I feel that this is normal, I fear something in me will snap and die a painful death.

So this morning, laying in bed post test (btw my BG upon waking was 330.. not so great) I pull my blue animas ping insulin pump out from under the covers and dial in the appropriate units for bolus. Staring at the ceiling I listen to A come into the room, me in the classic "covers over the head, leave me alone I'm dying it's so early" pose. Hanging the 2000ML bag of TPN, he reached beneath the covers, pulling them aside so he can see my chest, wiping one lumen, opening the little clip and flushing one with saline, then heparin.. then the next, until he gets to the one in use and the small end is screwed in. Hooked up for the day I let myself go back to sleep. Less than five minutes later I sat up and started to cry, because that was so automatic.. so normal. I wanted to scream, to scream and get upset and have someone come quick to hear me yell and throw a fit because I didn't want this! NO! Go back! STOP! This isn't right, he shouldn't have to do this, he shouldn't have done it so smoothly, I shouldn't be so calm. I curled up, and realized how I am actively fighting my new normal. I don't want a new normal, I want my old normal back. I don't want to be on oxygen, I don't want my husband hooking me up to an IV pump.. I hate this more every second. I truely believe somethings should never become normal, even if that would make it easier. I don't want to consider this normal.. I want it to be significant.