"I'd not trade places with her tonight'

This was said by a fellow harlot tonight, and I guess I felt I need to elaborate. I adore my life, it's amazing. I have the best children, the most amazing husband, siblings, friends. I experience love in such vast quantities every day that my heart is open to any and all forms, I would not trade lives with ANYONE ever. Because guess what, my monitors, my Iv pump, my animas (insulin pump), the twice a day bp checks, the oxygen. All of that is so smallcompared to my family, and my memories of them. Even my childhood, riddled with screaming, fighting, abuse, I still consider a valuable part of my make up. I identify myself with the memories and love I've experienced, with the days I wake up and smile at my children. The feeling of my hands in my horses hair, the warmth of my SO as he lays behind me. Jens hand on my back, her smile. The sound of L, Ry and Mir laughing the look on their faces, no matter what. The funny things they say.

All of that, makes everything else.. so.. so insubstantial. I wrote on the 4th of july, after watching fireworks with my family, on the grass, holding my son "This is amazing, I'm so happy I am alive" 4 days later I would pass out, fall down the stairs and break 5 ribs, concusion.. 7 days after that they'd remove the lower lobe of my right lung. Then my pericardium. When I wrote that on my facebook, I didn't know all of that was soon to enter into my life. I spent days on a ventilator, woke up weak and in pain. Again. Yet you know what I keep in my mind about july, "This is amazing, I'm so happy I am alive." Even after all of that, I was still happy to be alive.

Someone said on hummus today that they'd not trade places with a certain unpleasant mommy blogger (see previous post) /tonight/ even if they where the slitheriest snake in the forest. After thinking on that I decided, I don't care who she is, or what she's going through, or what I'm going through at the time. I'd never trade places with her, because this is my life. I love it. I don't want any other existence that changes anything. I have so much, the bad things, the pain. All of that doesn't matter. I like my life, I'm sorry for others pain but even in my darkest of hour. You can't have it. I don't want you to.

(Also)- We're all sick, I'm doing alright so far. My kidney function has decreased, and I've been pretty sick with some sorta respiratory, throat, nausea mix. My kids have it too, we're just trudging through. My neck hurts due to a large bruise, I'm dizzy and a tad out of touch. Blood glucose is high, I currently have large ketones in my blood as well. L had ketones and has been running a high glucose due to virus (I'm guessing here). The last chest x-ray looked good, I'm slowly improving with the cocci. Fewer symptoms of the cocci recently as well, the meds still making me sick, and tpn has also started making me ill. Just taking a breath, and keeping myself going.

"If you're going through hell, keep going"